Hey Oldji

Again, another bored night, I come to this site with much negativity

Last few months have been not easy… I gave up a one-year contract work, and then started an IB internship in July. The life in IB was tiring. Money is the only thing drives people work late night. I love the feeling of wealth. I want to pay my rent. But… the decision was yet wrong again, at least at this point of time. It is so clear that I cannot get a return offer, in that shitty, non-revenue office. They will never increase costs with no profit expectation. I don’t want to argue that if I were good enough they might look into hiring. But, c’mon, I was new and fresh and knew nothing. I learned fast but it just does not work out. I hate this bank. They recruit interns only to deliver dinner and not pay. It is so funny.

Anyway, all these feelings, negative. Maybe I should resort to religion to seek inner peace or something just to make myself feel better when things are bad. The world is never fair and will never be fair but at the same time it tells you that it is fair, but at somewhere. But you can never get to that somewhere, and then it is your problem.

I should not give up whatever. Maybe I just don’t want to again waste parents’ hard-earned money. But, this decision is really bad. I hate those people.

Why I am wasting my time all the time!

… even though I remembered what I saw today on a passer-by’s handbag: the time you are wasting on things you like is not wasted, some sort of like that.

I cannot play games!

Today I had lunch with Huang Xinyi. I said that I had too many negative thoughts these days. She said, when there is a time you do not have negative thoughts!

Bingo

I really need someone who can understand me. I am recently in love with an old TV Series, Boston Legal. I am about to finish watching the second season. Dude that is also another chunk of time wasted. I really can feel empathy for the protagonist, Alan Shore. Today he said to his friend, “I need your friendship.” I think that is a desire to be understood, to be able to find a place where one can talk anything he intends to.

I am determined not to play LOL until I finished CFA Level 2.

Question of academics, and then how much academics should weigh in, and then why I cannot study

Why I cannot pay any attention at my Economics class — five minutes after the class begins

Sunday afternoon

I had my FRM Level 1 exam yesterday morning. The exam was more difficult than what I had expected. Half of them I did not have a clue whatsoever. However, I think I can pass this time. Yesterday afternoon after the class, I took the subway with one of my tutors, and she said, as some of my friends might have said before, I always talk how bad or poor I am in exams, interviews, in life or anything even though it is not necessarily close to the fact. People that you know well probably will take it as a joke, saying he is just being pretentious or funny or trying to be modest, but for people that only get to know you by talks and rumors, it is definitely not helping. Just present a better image in a less frequent manner would do the work.

Then I have a super exam ahead, CFA Level 2, taking place on the first weekend of June. I haven’t started reading notes, and I am not mentally ready… It is bad.

So I come to this place, a place of motivation, to get some… after a game of League of Legends. So naughty.

There is only one month left in school and I will then officially not belong to the social group of students any more, hopefully not any longer. You know what, it is really like the days when the decision of studying English in Renmin was final at the end of senior year in high school, and I was kind of doing everything but meaningful ones. There are so many things that could be done now to save me from making deadlines few weeks later, but I just want to take the break as long as possible, to the extend of being nearly impossible. It is not right, is it?

I am taking French classes on my mobile phone again. Just very simple repetitions of vocabularies and phrases to help learners to memorize, not helping daily conversation at all. Maybe it really has to take years to study English as a real language, which makes our major not that bad.

It is bad. But using excuses is not good. So I am worse.

How are you for the past few days? Just reminding me that I was planning to make it as a diary thing, but as I could imagine, the frequency of updating posts declines as the nature explains itself… But it is still fine. This will mark the sixth post on this place, so in a couple of weeks I will brief you about this. I am sure that you will be bored.

Good luck.

Plateau

Again another random title:)

I Wechated with you last night before going to sleep. It was warm and fun. You are the only one I know that like to use the Wechat imoji “joyful,” the one with a touch of red on its smiling face. It is genuine, and it is heart-connecting. You are just that warm and genuine.

I am sorry that I did not care you very much in the past few weeks, maybe even more. I feel sorry for you being sad after a sentimental period. I wish I could be there for you,

Maybe there are other people who use “joyful,” but you use it only.

Say something about recent me. This week I did not go to gym at all. I should have. I am becoming a really fat guy. Really, really fat. Wooha.

There is a professional exam on Saturday. I am taking FRM Level 1. I took Level 1 and Level 2 last November but I failed. In other words I threw a thousand US dollar away because I did not review books. I was preparing for this one for the past few weeks, but in a very lazy fashion, like take five minutes and deal with five questions and then play some games or chat for like half an hour. This week was a little bit more serious. I think I will pass. But there is another Level 2 ahead, which I think I will try to complete it this November.

The point is, there is no point taking this exam for me. To put it simply, this professional certificate is for a career in which I would probably not take. There is some connection, like the one between physics and electronic engineering, but you can see people would not jump from one to another from time to time as a career choice. Maybe I just want to prove I will not lose my one thousand dollar easily.

I am also looking for a roommate and an apartment after graduation. I will be starting working full-time — this idea is actually still very thrilling. No longer student status. You know I am not a very hard-working or easy-going man. I always want a better job, or better something, without working that hard. I am thinking if I will continue to search jobs… you know, it is like the idea of getting into a college, you always think that a university with better reputation will always be better than another, the difference between starting points. We are just to forget the stories about normal PKU/THU graduates and brilliant regular students. I mean, I just don’t have the confidence for myself.

Now you have a long summer vacation ahead. I wish you will have a fulfilling two months.

Mixed feelings and uncertainties

I am starting to think about if it is a must to place a title for every note here. Maybe it would be simpler and easier to read and understand by a date, rather an inconclusive string of words that represents probably only the feelings at the beginning of the writing.

I learned that my girlfriend is going to leave Hong Kong for Shenzhen after graduation. There is a wonderful job offer from one of her senior colleagues, who will set up a fund on his own and need a junior operation analyst to assist. Apparently, this does not feel well, and I am in great depression. I understand that at this stage of life, career pursuit clearly overwhelms an unclear relationship, particularly staying in Hong Kong will not necessary help greatly. We are still binding, but I do not know it will last how long.

Some more updates of my classmates in this program went out as well. One will go to Credit Suisse as an analyst, and two other girl receive offers from Hong Kong Exchange. Both are highly paid. A comment of my friend here is very precise, paraphrased as “being jealous of others is just because we think we are better than them”.

One year is about to pass, and, although I think I have improved, I also realize that much improvement should have been done so. Sometimes I just have to give me some motivations. There are always better people ahead, humble, modest, and, at the same time, shockingly brilliant.

How are you doing there oldji? Miss you.

Strengthened

A friend in this program told me that I had become “fickle”. One reason is because I knew many remarkable persons, I would assume that I would have been similar.

As much doctrines as I learned, and seemingly understood, there are always moments when I cannot hold up to them. I will rejoice covertly because of others’ misfortune, I will envy, but less covertly, when others succeed surprisingly. I may feel less delightful just because our achievements are not public and not publicized at the same time. It would be so inconceivable to maintain a straight-line mood.

But I believe I have changed. After a long-time reflection, I realized a number of things I can improve on, mostly characteristically.

I am watching the live broadcast on BBC about the UK Election. It was very fun, and my writing is much limited.

A day of some bad luck

Hey oldji how are doing there.

I had a pretty bad day today. It was a bad day because a couple of unfortunate news came in. My parents argued with each other, and it seems that it was a fierce one. Mom cried. She did not want to tell me what happened. I think it was some disputes, but I do not want to think further to make me more unhappy. It was terrible.

Two mid-term exam results came out. I got 11 out of 30 for one, and 20 out of 50 for another. Both way behind the median. I admit that I did not read the books that much, but I was not expecting this result. Again I posted some bad words on Wechat and now I regret of doing so. Just keeping rewinding the things up.

I have loads of work to do but I just feel unmotivated for the moment. I want to re-install League of Legends for the third time but I just cannot find a proper source to download this time. Never mind.

Ah.

May 6th

Hello oldji, and where are you

I feel it is time to write a blog or something to keep up with my life.

Though cliche as it is, I want to write something as guideline, or explanatory statement, for this start-up blog’s first post. I hope I could keep up writing this blog.

This is a blog of my commentary on life, mine or others. It is personal.

I want it to be a diary. But I am not sure that I will update it everyday. Probably not.

There are some purposes of setting this thing up —

I see it as a corner where I can express about my feelings and emotions.

And I just realized how much my English writing needs polishing. It is so much different from writing emails or academic proposals whereas only simplicity, effectiveness and humble are required in delivery. I really wish it was the old time I typed letters of thoughts much quicker. And I am not even barely mid-aged.

I hope that if I could splash out the negativity, I would be happier and more motivated in life. This is a place to store and lock up bad feelings, unfortunate moment, and unrealistic dreams of resolutions. I hope I could review these feelings and dreams one day with better expectations of life.

And I hope this can be a place where I can talk to you, oldji. I decide to tell you about this blog after ten posts, not counting this one. This ten-posts should be completed at least on a weekly basis. If I can keep up documenting the days, I will let you know.

I hope you are well there. I really miss you, and I hope we can both be well. Be open-minded, be not over-sensitive.

May 5th 2015